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Wednesday, 02 May 2012

Currently
The Hunger Games
By Suzanne Collins
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i miss you.

a simple sentence. we say it to those who we see almost every day. we say it to those far away. we say it still to those who we've lost. the degree of which you miss someone isn't based on how much time has passed since you last saw eachother, but by how much room they occupy in your mind, by how much your heart aches without their presense. i feel incomplete. the times i've taken for granted haunt me because i always wonder how it could have been different. i should not go looking for answers i know i will not find, and to dwell on the what if's would just be a waste of time, but i'm fillled with curiosities that fuel my scepticism. i've become a sceptic about love and death and what lies between. i yearn for the day when these things will make sense to me. i wait for the day where something else will feel real..something else besides the feeling of being incomplete. today i'm missing you, mom. i'm missing you because you're so close, yet so far away. because of all of the days i could have spent with you, but chose to spend elsewhere. because the circumstances make it seem impossible to ever get back into the same town together. i'm missing you today, and every other day, too, dad. missing you, wondering if you would be proud of me. missing you, just wishing we had one single day to spend together. one day for me to say hello, instead of always just wishing you never said goodbye. and you, T, i miss you as well. i think of you every damn day and i know i'm not the only one. i'm faced with your death which has hit me harder than any other one and i'm overcome with memories that make me miss you like mad. three little words, and they represent a feeling that is like no other feeling. i can't even explain how much i want you here <3

"there ought to be a place to go when you can't sleep or you're tired of getting drunk and the grass doesn't work anymore, and i don't mean go on to hash or cocaine, i mean a place to go besides a death that's waiting and a love that doesn't work anymore."

Wednesday, 22 February 2012

two long months and i'm still having trouble believing that this happened. everyone's found a way to blame themselves, i wonder if i could have done something to prevent it all, i know that was a long time ago. death. it hits close to you when you least expect it. i sort have been caught in a spiral of troubles in my mind ever since you've been gone. i've just had so many questions. about you. about life. i've started to remember everything we ever did. i remember when we met. i always remember your smile, it could make anyone else smile. it makes me laugh. it makes me cry, too. same with a lot of things. i'm not unhappy though. everyday i tell myself that i have so many options, so many things to see and people to meet. i wish you would have just stuck to knowing that too. i think it was you who taught me to be that way. and, well, now i seem to be stuck in this routine. everything feels the same all the time. at this point it's like i feel nothing. bored. alone. but still along for the ride. planning the next pit-stops, since that's all life ever allows time for. i'm looking for the answers that i'll probably never find. all i really want is to be happy.

Monday, 20 February 2012

<3

wait for me
somewhere
between reality
& all we've ever dreamed

Tuesday, 07 February 2012

hahahahha
at this point it is comical how i entirely lack the ability to make up my mind.
the problem is,
is that i always feel as though i'm settling.
i crave change too quickly.
whatintheworldiswrongwithme?